How to Improve Your Self-Love
A lot of people confuse self-care for self-love.
Although they are closely related, they are not necessarily the same thing. We spend a lot of time talking about the importance of self-care, how to make time for it even when we don’t have time, and how without it we are left feeling depleted, unproductive and generally unhappy. People want you to know all the positive health and well-being benefits of self-care and share tips and tricks for making time for self-care (including me!). But the reality is, no matter what tips and tricks you try, or how important you think self-care is, you’ll probably never make it a priority if you don’t have a strong sense of self-love.
A bit harsh, I know.
Which is why today I’m sharing exactly what it means to have self-love, how self-care plays a role, and the importance of improving your self-love in order to show up in life as your very best self.
Self-Love vs. Self-Care
In general, self-care is a tangible thing while self-love is a mental thing.
Here's an example: After a long, stressful week at work you decide to book yourself a massage, go for a weekend hike or any other self-care activity you believe will help you unwind and relax.
But, while participating in this self-care act, you end up thinking about all the other things you "should be" doing, you’re replaying past conversations in your head, or you’re worrying about future to-dos, you aren't necessarily practicing self-love.
Mentally beating yourself up for taking time for self-care or getting caught in ruminating thoughts about the past or future can bring up feelings of guilt and shame, which is the opposite of self-love. So although you are getting some of the benefits that your self-care activity provides, you end up missing out on a big portion of it.
Self-Love
We can’t talk about self-love without first talking about self-observation without judgment. This is the ability to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, without judging yourself for having those thoughts and feelings.
When you begin to practice self-observation, you start to recognize that the part of you doing the observing is not the same part that is thinking or criticizing. You are the thinker behind the thoughts. Then, once you have this awareness, it’s about noticing your thoughts without judging, blaming or shaming them.
And, learning how to separate your true self from your thoughts is the first step toward self-love.
Self-Love is loving yourself unconditionally, no matter what.
It means:
Accepting yourself as you are in this very moment
Accepting your emotions for what they are
Have a high regard for your own well-being and happiness
Not settling for less than you deserve
We tend to be our own worst critic, thanks to our inner judge! Think about the way you speak to yourself sometimes. Would you speak that way to your friends or colleagues? My guess is no. When you practice self-love, you are learning to speak to yourself the same way you would speak to others.
The Importance of Self-Love and Self-Care
Self-care activities are critical for overall good health and well-being. And when you add in self-love, the benefits become even more powerful.
Reduce stress: When you observe signs of burnout, with self-love you take actions (self-care steps) to refill your well because you believe you deserve a break and to feel better. You might not take a break without self-love. You might think you need to push through.
Build healthier habits: When you accept yourself without that harsh inner critic, you make better health choices.
Build emotional resilience: When times are hard, it’s very easy to get down on yourself. Self-love helps counter negative, critical self-talk and put things in perspective. Even if your struggles are a result of a mistake you made, self-love encourages you to learn from the mistake and move forward. This builds your emotional resilience and prepares you for future challenges.
Improve relationships: When you love yourself, you won’t feel as dependent on other people to feel worthy. You set boundaries and if necessary, end difficult relationships. And when you love yourself, you tend to understand yourself better, which makes it easier to identify the types of relationships you want.
Become more productive: To get motivated, you’re probably used to using those harsh inner critic voices that tear you down. But all that does is bog you down! When you have self-love, and not beat yourself up for not getting to something or not being motivated before, you’ll feel lighter and it will be easier to get the job done.
Boost confidence: If you are criticizing yourself, you don’t have a great chance of feeling confident. Recognizing you deserve the best, and being compassionate when you are frustrated or struggling will help build your self-esteem and ultimately your confidence.
Self-love and self-care are vitally important so you can show up at your very best for yourself and your loved ones. Without them, you are left depleted, stressed and overwhelmed. With them, you are left feeling energized, more productive and able to take on the world!
Action Steps to Improve Self-Love
Recognize when your inner critic is loud! When you feel “down on yourself” or notice negative self-talk, pause and recognize that this is your inner critic talking.
Say “thank you”. Instead of believing your inner critic, remember that this voice is just a thought or a feeling from something that has happened in your past. It’s trying to protect you. So simply say, “thank you”, to let it know that you see it and appreciate what it’s trying to do for you.
Show yourself some compassion. You are doing the best you can with the information you have now. You are a human being that has thoughts and feelings and it’s OK to feel them sometimes or learn from mistakes. Show yourself some compassion - like you would a friend.
Bring your awareness back to the present moment. Focus your awareness on your breath or use your five senses to notice what is currently around you. Pause there for just a moment or two and then continue about your day.
Having self-love is one of the most important things you can do to improve your overall health and well-being. Although not the easiest practice, it is extremely powerful. Even just reminding yourself a few times a day that you are perfect just the way you are, can be really impactful.
The practice of meditation is also a great way to improve your self-love! During meditation you begin to notice negative thought patterns and stories and you practice letting them go. This is a powerful step toward catching these thoughts in life.