How To Reduce Your Anxiety Through The Power of Inquiry
“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
Us humans LOVE a good story.
I believe they are one of the most powerful tools we have to grow, connect and drive change. We bond through storytelling. Stories build empathy, create deeper connections, build trust and can persuade you to take action. They tie emotions together with the meaning and intention of a situation and create opportunities for interaction. And, they bring context to a subject. Which can sometimes be an issue if we aren’t fully aware of the intention and power of our story. Especially with the stories we tell ourselves - because what we believe will actually turn into our reality and eventually become our destiny.
And if you struggle with anxiety, like me, you know a good story is sometimes all we have to feel like we are in control of an unknown situation - even though all it does is rev up our anxiety and make us think the worst. It’s exhausting! So today I’m breaking down how to become more aware of the stories you tell yourself so that you can begin to break the cycle of your overthinking mind, reduce your anxiety and feel more freedom in your life.
Why Do We Tell Ourselves Stories?
The other day I was talking to a friend who started to tell me a story. It went something like, “So I text him but he hasn’t text back. And I’m pretty sure that’s because I said something wrong and he’s very angry at me. And I really don’t want him to be angry so I’m thinking I should text again and ask and then apologize for what I did.”
Okay - I confess. That friend was me.
I can’t tell you how many times this type of story has run through my head. But how much of that story is actually true? It’s really just the part where I text and they hadn’t responded yet - everything after that was made up. So why on Earth would I create such a negative story - that I 100% believe - that wasn’t even true?
Our brains are hardwired to crave certainty. When our brains do not have enough information, they assume our survival is threatened. When this shift to survival mode occurs, fear and worry creep in and start to take over. In order to feel in control over the unknown, our mind ruminates over every possible scenario, or “what-if”. We want to figure out all the ways things could go wrong in order to feel more certain of the outcome. As we worry, we begin to feel stressed and anxious because we think we should be able to control our own future, but we can’t.
And the way we “figure out all the ways things could go wrong” is through a filter known as our Inner Critic or “The Judge”. The inner critic is our quality of consciousness that’s constantly scanning for danger. It learns how to be on the lookout for what could go wrong through life experiences or from your culture and your parents. These experiences are taken in through the senses and a story starts to develop. When the critic notices an unpleasant experience, it believes you are unsafe and must keep that from happening to you again. So it creates a story or “filter” that you see the world through. This filter is created to avoid unpleasant experiences we had as a child, but in reality what it really does is make it feel like this is the way things really work - this is what life is.
The issue truly becomes that once we start to believe the stories our inner critic tells us, we start to act in certain ways that can potentially create negative situations for ourselves and others.
How Our Thoughts Become Our Destiny
Every moment of the day you take in energy and information into your body and mind through your 5 senses - touch, sight, smell, taste, feel. And from there, you have a thought. The more you think that thought, the more you tend to believe it. And once that belief solidifies over time, you start to act on that belief. These actions then become habitual which lead to changes in your character and ultimately your destiny.
Let’s use my texting example as an illustration to break down each of these steps.
When I didn’t get a response right away to my original text, that was energy coming into my body and mind through the sense of sight - I wasn’t seeing a response. And from there I had a thought. “I must have done something wrong and now he’s mad at me.” This thought is part of an unconscious story my inner critic created when I was a little girl because it believed I wasn’t getting the love and attention I needed to feel safe.
Since this thought was part of my life for so many years, it became a belief - I’m usually to blame when someone ignores me which isn’t going to make them love me. And once that thought became a belief, my actions followed. Instead of just letting this person return the text when they were ready, I text again, “Are you mad at me?” I believed I needed to fix whatever the situation was to be loved.
And because I took that action, this way of being now becomes my character. I become a person in need of constant reassurance of love … which can be a “needy” quality. And before I know it, this needy quality keeps me from getting the love I actually desire - it becomes my destiny.
Thankfully, the good news is that there is something we can do to break the cycle of the old stories we tell ourselves.
How to Break The Cycle
In 2003, Byron Katie first introduced the world to a process she calls, “The Work” with the publication of Loving What Is. The idea is to remain alert to your stressful thoughts - the ones that cause anger, fear, sadness and frustration - and question them in order to see what is troubling you in a different light and potentially change your habits to ultimately change your destiny. The below is a summary of these steps that you can learn more about here.
First, take time to recognize a thought or feeling that is upsetting and either write down or think about how you felt in that situation and the stories you tell yourself about that situation. Does a thought come up that feels certain and true? In my example, I absolutely believed that it was my fault he was not texting back.
Once you have that story or belief, the second step is to pause, step back and ask yourself, “What story am I believing right now?” Calling out the story or thought you are telling yourself is key to possibly changing your relationship to it.
Once you have clarity around the story, you can then ask yourself, “Is this story true?” Usually, since this story has been ingrained into your psyche for a long time, you will say “Yes!” So then ask yourself again, “But is it REALLY true? Like if you were nailed to the wall because you said yes it was true …is it really true?” Usually at that point you might say, “Well, no I guess it’s not 100% true.”
That creates just a little bit of space for you to begin changing your habitual response to this belief. In that space you can investigate what it feels like on the inside when you think about this belief. How old is it? What does it look like? What does it feel like? By investigating it, you start to gain insight into when this belief was created and potentially why. You might also ask, “Who am I without this thought?”
If you really sit back and pay attention to what comes up while you are investigating these beliefs, you can really open yourself up to a new way of believing and a new path of being - ultimately changing your destiny. It won’t happen overnight, but it can begin to help you feel a bit more free!
The path of self-discovery and self-awareness isn’t always pleasant and it’s usually never easy. It takes rigor and tenacity to recognize when we are telling ourselves a “made-up” story vs. one that actually happened. And it takes courage to step back and investigate these stories in order to change your relationship to them and ultimately impact your destiny. But, on the other side of doing this type of work is freedom from your overthinking mind and a new way to see and act in the world. It has the power to open up possibilities you never thought possible so that you can live the life you deserve.