My Personal Battle With Anxiety Part 2: Lessons Learned From Recent Struggles
A few months ago I shared how my personal struggle with anxiety began, how it impacts me on a regular basis and that learning how to manage it is truly a daily practice. I was touched by the amount of people who wrote to say how grateful they were that I shared my journey because they no longer felt alone with their own struggles.
Since that blog, I have had some significant twists and turns with my mental health that were both incredibly difficult to move through and enlightening at the same time. At first I did not want to tell anyone what had happened. The situation was too raw and emotional. How am I supposed to help people if I can’t even help myself? But now, after time has passed and some healing has occurred, I think it’s important for me to share - especially in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month - to remind you that you aren’t alone when you feel paralyzed by your own anxiety. And, it’s not always easy to manage your anxiety, even when you know what to do.
The Perfect Storm
Have you ever heard the saying, “the shoemaker's kids have no shoes”? The cobbler is so busy making shoes for others that his family goes barefoot! Well, I think that was me. I teach so many important self-care tips and tricks, but when it comes to my own well-being, it all goes right out the window. Although I have my morning routine and my yoga practice, which are both extremely important and helpful, I’m not very good at creating boundaries for myself, putting myself first or dealing with difficult emotional situations. In my family we call that last one, “The Lyman Sweep.” We don’t talk about our feelings - we just sweep them under the rug, hoping they go away. But of course they never do.
For many years my anxiety was just part of my life that I learned to live with. And then COVID came along and exacerbated old wounds and created more panic than I had felt in years. Although I swept a lot of it under the rug, I decided to face some specific old traumas and heal myself with talk therapy so I wasn’t paralyzed anymore by my anxiety. Which is really great..
…Until I realized that when you are working on yourself and starting to feel “better”, really old stuff can come up and throw you for a loop. And because I didn’t like feeling more uncomfortable than I already was, each time this old stuff would grab my attention, I found myself wanting to “fix it”. I wanted to just “be better” so I didn’t have to struggle anymore. The statement, “I just want to be fixed!” rang in my head over and over again.
And after a long time working on myself and not feeling “fixed”, I reached out to my primary care doctor to switch my anxiety medication in hopes that it would help. So in early March, he prescribed a change to what I had been taking for over 20 years.
And that was the straw on the camel’s back. The perfect storm came together on Tuesday evening, March 22nd.
The lack of self-care, ignoring significant health concerns about my aging parents, working hard at beating myself up for not fixing my flaws and switching my medication caused me to experience what I’m now calling an “emotional breakdown”.
Breaking Down
I woke up around 2am and found myself in complete panic mode. Usually when this happens, I have a good cry, walk it out around my condo, maybe turn on the TV and eventually I just fall back to sleep. But this time was different. Nothing was helping. I was hysterical for most of the night. I can remember being curled up in a yoga position called Child's Pose on my bedroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably while at the same time being aware that something was terribly wrong and I didn’t know what to do about it.
This went on all night. It felt like an out of body experience and a living nightmare at the same time. And then at 6am I texted my best friend that something was wrong.
As I mentioned in my first personal story, I have known my very bestest friend since kindergarten. We’ve known each other now for 41 years, and we still talk every single day. When I was younger, she was the one person I felt comfortable turning to when I felt anxious and overwhelmed - and she’s still my first text or call when I can’t seem to manage it. And thankfully, she and our other best friend who joined our posse in 5th grade, were there that day when I really needed help.
They decided that it was best for me to speak to someone in the emergency services department at the Behavioral Health Network (or BHN), a regional provider of comprehensive behavioral health services for adults, children and families. And although I knew I needed help, I just kept saying, “Please don’t let them put me in a hospital.” Looking back I can’t believe how much I didn’t know about mental health services in my area and that the hospital with padded rooms was not the only option for people struggling.
During my intake conversation with an extremely kind, compassionate and caring therapist, I learned that they had many options for care ranging from talk therapy to group sessions to respites and then hospitalizations. And based on my condition, she suggested talking to my primary about coming off the changed medication and seeing a talk therapist.
Thankfully with the love and guidance from my friends, the kindness of the BHN network, a plan in place, and support from my immediate family, I was able to calm down, relax and feel more in control of the situation.
Since Then...
I am extremely grateful that since March 22nd, I have received the help I needed, got on the right medication and have started working through the things I was sweeping under the rug. But most importantly, I now realize there is nothing inherently wrong with me and that the work I’m doing isn’t to “fix” something that’s broken - it’s to heal old wounds so that I can live a happier and more balanced life.
Although a terrifying experience, so much good has come from it. I now know what amazing services are available for people struggling with mental health issues. I am so grateful for each and every person I spoke to at BHN who held the exact amount of space I needed to feel heard, supported and valued. My parents and I are now talking about their aging health issues. I’m sweeping less under the rug and I’m taking better care of myself by putting up more boundaries and working on new self-care activities. And, I’m realizing that some friends who I thought I needed in my life just aren’t capable of dealing with all this right now and that others who I didn’t realize would care, have cared the most.
It’s hard for me to share this with you, knowing that I work every day to teach you how to better manage your anxiety. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that this thing called life is a journey. There is no goal or destination where my anxiety goes away and I live blissfully like a renunciate on a mountain top.
I live in a world where my stories are triggered and my anxiety rears its ugly head. Some days everything feels easy. Other days, I’m just trying to survive. And on those days, sometimes I still get so anxious that I can’t even help myself with the tools and tricks I know. But on those days, I try so hard to remind myself that I’m human. And that I’m allowed to feel all my feelings and be exactly who I am, anxious and all. Because, this is what truly makes me, me. And although it’s an unpleasant feeling that I usually just want to go away, I remember that nothing is permanent, this will move though, and there will be another experience waiting for me on the other side.
I definitely don’t have it all figured out, and honestly I know now that I never will. All I can do is share my experiences, both the highs and lows, and hope that these stories, techniques and tools I offer each week will remind you that you are not alone. You are human too, and you have the strength within you to live a happier, more grounded life, even on the days that it’s all too much to handle. It’s okay to feel and be exactly who you are - always.