How to Better Manage Social Anxiety Using Mindfulness
A few years back, I had a client share the following story with me.
“I was having a really bad day a few months ago when I showed up to my kids' flag football game. At one point I leaned over to the parent next to me and said, ‘They haven’t even put Jackson in…’ and then I started to cry for reasons completely unrelated to Jackson’s play time. To this day, I worry each time I see this parent, who is the nicest, kindest and most caring person, that I made a fool out of myself and that she thinks I’m a basket case. I even find myself going out of my way to avoid her.”
Can you relate?
This specific type of anxiety is called Social Anxiety Disorder, also known as Social Phobia or SAD. It’s when you fear being judged or rejected in a social situation and although you logically know your thoughts are irrational, you believe there is nothing you can do to change. I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and that there is something you can do to feel better! Although I can’t make your anxiety go away, I can share with you how SAD impacts your day to day life and how mindfulness techniques can help you better manage this specific type of anxiety.
What is Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia or SAD)?
As I mentioned above, Social Anxiety Disorder, also called social phobia or SAD, is an intense anxiety of being negatively evaluated or judged in a social or performance situation. You worry about showing your anxiety to others or being seen as stupid, boring, unattractive, annoying or just plan weird. Some common phrases you may say to yourself before or during a social event could be:
“They can tell I’m anxious and they’ll think I’m weak.”
“I might say something stupid or offensive.”
“I’ll probably embarrass myself.”
“They will think I’m unattractive and boring and won’t like me.”
“What I have to say isn’t good enough - no one will be interested.”
Some of the symptoms you might feel during a social event could be:
Sweating, rapid heart rate, blushing, trembling, nausea,
Having difficulty speaking because your mind “goes blank”
Feelings of panic or panic attacks
Unable to make eye contact
Dizziness or lightheaded
Worrying for days or weeks before an event
Needing alcohol to feel less anxious
Social Anxiety Disorder is the second most commonly diagnosed anxiety disorder, impacting approximately 15 million Americans. Even though there are many treatment options available, only 5% seek treatment right away, while more than a third take 10 or more years to get help. And the average age where this all begins is during the teenage years. Unfortunately, people struggling with SAD truly believe their core personality is flawed and that there is nothing they can do to change it, so why bother seeking help.
Why Avoiding Social Situations Doesn’t Work
If this sounds familiar, you might notice you stay away from social situations or even turn down exciting life opportunities because it’s easier to manage your anxiety by avoiding the very things that trigger it. What’s interesting is that you may not actually be avoiding the judgement itself. In her book, “How to Be Yourself”, psychologist Ellen Hendriksen believes that socially anxious people don’t fear the actual judgement from others, but that this judgement is right and that their innate flaws will be exposed - and if people see you for who you really are, they will reject you and you’ll be humiliated.
Facing your fears can be a lot of work, and I know you are already mentally and physically exhausted. Up until now, avoiding the things that trigger your anxiety has probably worked to some extent. And, the last thing you want to do is make life harder for yourself.
But here’s the thing ….
Changing your actions as a way to suppress your thoughts actually makes them stronger and more frequent. Think of it like the pink elephant in the room - the second you're asked not to think about it, it’s all you can think about. So, the more you act to avoid your anxiety, the worse it can get. The habits you create to avoid your anxiety just end up enforcing it and making your life more difficult.
How Mindfulness Can Help
Mindfulness techniques can actually help you change your relationship to your social phobia. You’ll start to see your anxiety more clearly and begin to understand the nature of it. Instead of reacting to your anxious thoughts, you begin to take away their power, which can create a little bit more space to help you feel free from your fears.
Below are a few mindfulness techniques that are helpful ways to better cope with social anxiety.
You are not your anxiety. As I mentioned in my blog, “The Number One Secret to Managing Your Anxiety”, you are not your anxious thoughts. You are the witness behind these thoughts. Self observation, also known as the witness, is your awareness of your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. The part of you doing the observing is your true self. When you stop to observe your anxiety, you realize that the part of you doing the observing is not the same part that is anxious. When you can observe your own thoughts, there is no way you can BE those thoughts. You are not inherently flawed - you have social anxiety, but your true self is not flawed because of it.
Note Your Thoughts. Once you remember that you are the witness behind your thoughts, you can start to recognize your thoughts for what they truly are - just thoughts. When you notice your mind is worried about being judged or thinking about how embarrassed you are because you can’t think of what to say next, simply say to yourself, “Oh, thinking” or “Oh, feeling”. Noting the thought makes it a little easier to let go of it. So, when you recognize your mind has wandered, acknowledge it by gently noting the nature of your distraction, take a deep breath in and out, let that thought go, and then with kindness and compassion return to the present moment.
Reframe the issue. As you enter into a social situation, you are probably focused on the fact that you have social anxiety. Interestingly enough, when you focus on a fact or thought, it tends to become your behavior. So if you think you are an anxious person, you will probably act anxious.
Instead, try reframing the situation. Before attending the event, maybe ask yourself, “What is good about this situation?” Or, “What could be great about this?” For example, if your goal is to expand your friend circle, instead of thinking you are too anxious to make friends, think “I might meet a really great friend tonight!” Forcing yourself to think about it in a different way can really help shift your attitude and your behavior toward it.Practice self-compassion. You are a person worthy of love - It is your birthright. And that starts with self-love and self-compassion, which can be incredibly difficult for many of us. Somewhere along the journey of life, we learn to be much harder on ourselves than we would ever be toward others. When you recognize you are experiencing symptoms of social anxiety, instead of beating yourself up for having anxiety, simply say to yourself, “Even though I am feeling anxious, I know I will be OK.” This simple statement can really help shift your relationship to your anxiety.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your social anxiety go away. I know how debilitating it can be and how much you want it to stop. Hopefully, you now understand how social anxiety can impact your life and how avoiding situations will only make things worse. My suggestion is to try on one of the above techniques and see how it feels. And remember to take baby steps! Taking it slow and steady will help keep you calm as you explore ways you can better manage your anxiety.